Thursday, August 26, 2004
14 years?
14 years to get together with the person that i'm meant to be with and only a 49% chance of us staying together? if he was my soulmate then why just the measly 49%? so i'm really doomed to grow up alone and spend the rest of my life like one of those cat ladies you see on tv who have nothing and nobody but the stray cats that loaf around the house. that's if i even have a house to myself. oh well..what's the worst that could happen? i'd choke to death on a furball?
a friend of mine is in singapore for a few days. actually she arrived yesterday and is leaving tomorrow. so naturally we went shopping today. i actually expected myself to just tag along and not purchase anything except for maybe one or two minor items but i ended up spending almost 300 dollars. bought a couple of things for myself and a present for a friend whose birthday is coming up *wink*. it was nice though. it's not often that i get to walk around town with a friend. yes i am a loser in singapore...i'm a loser back in KL too but i'm a bigger loser here. so anyway...she's leaving tomorrow so i guess that'll be the end of my "having a friend in singapore" fantasy.
i noticed that the topic of being single has cropped up many times over the past few months. people have constantly been asking me questions about my lack of relationships. try as hard as they might...i don't think they will ever be able to dissect me. but that's not because i'm complicated...it's probably cause i'm not very forthcoming when answering their questions. i tend to hide a lot and most of what i say and do contradicts everything else that i say and do. i know this might sound bitchy and antisocial of me but i like it when people just can't figure me out. i don't like it when they know too much cause that would increase the chances of lies and secrets changing hands. either way...people are starting to talk about my prolonged singlehood. why am i single? i don't know really...maybe i just haven't met someone that i'm remotely interested in. maybe it's because i'm 300 miles from home. maybe it's because i like being single. maybe it's because i'm a total bitch and i repel anyone who comes near me. maybe it's because i've put on so much weight i now look like the marshmallow man. lotsa maybe's...still no real answer.
has i gone past my 'being single' expiry date? i never knew there was an expiry date on being single. i can imagine people whispering "ooh...she must be a terrible person cause nobody wants her. you know she's been single for more than 2 years?" some people might be offended by those words. i on the other hand...will not let it affect me. i'm not the kind of person who would take offense...unless you're insulting my parents. wait...i insult my own parents...so heck...i guess i don't take offense at anything. i might seem like i'm offended but i'm really just teasing.
anyway...that got me to wondering...why is it that some people just can't live with the idea of being alone? i actually like living alone. i have all the time and space to do everything that i want to do and that includes my secret single behaviour. there are a few things that i like to do by myself...when i'm all alone so no one can bear witness. yes there are definitely times when i wish that i have someone around to just watch movies with...go to the theatre with or hang out with but that's as far as it goes. is it because they need assurance? they need someone there to make them feel good about themselves...to feel more secure...to reassure them that they're worth something?
attached people generally look at single people as rejected merchandise. something must be wrong with us single people...that's why we're single. are we the new freaks? sometimes i wonder whether they are the freaks. i know couples who are in it for love and i truly respect them and support them. there are others who are just in it because they can't stand the idea of being alone. because they're afraid that if they don't jump at this chance...they might not have another one in the future. i'd rather spend the rest of my life alone than to spend the rest of my life settling for mediocre. i'm a high achiever...i blame my parents.
anyway...that's just my thoughts. but in the end...i guess it's a matter of what makes us happy. each individual has a different threshold. maybe some people just don't have my kind of high expectations which makes it easier for them to settle. then again...who am i to say that they're settling. who am i to say anything for that matter? i have only one pair of shoes...my own.
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feefs, 7:26 AM
Sunday, August 22, 2004
settling for less
i'm back again by popular demand. seems like i'm coming home every week. there's always something to do. if it's not meeting up with friends who just came back or are about to leave...it's family matters...then there's birthdays and special occassions (somehow i don't think i spelt that right and if i did...i never realized that it looked so weird). anyway...i was actually planning to get a haircut and to buy a pair of loafers. the haircut plan is still going to be executed but i'm thinking twice about the shoes. when i came back today i realized that my brand new pair of tevas were not where they were supposed to be. so i searched the whole house and found it in the 'unused shoe' cabinet....it's the cabinet where my mom keeps all the shoes that i've never...and i mean never worn before. there were a pair of marks n spencers loafers...a pair of hush puppies slip on loafers...2 pairs of black heels...one pair of mary janes...2 pairs of black sandals and a couple of other shoes that i don't even remember buying. so i guess i can save up the 150 bucks and skip the whole shoe plan. in any case...i'm heading down to 1 utama for a haircut and since i'm there i'll head down to hush puppies to check out the black pair of loafers i saw the other day.on the journey home today i was sitting next to this 21 year old guy from penang who speaks very broken english. he introduced himself as richard...i think...not very good with names. anyway..he was telling me about how he is now organises motivational seminars and how he hopes to be a speaker one day. throughout the whole conversation i was just trying my best to refrain from nit-picking at his inability to grasp the english language which is something i do all the time. so he's talking and talking away and telling me how he chose this path in life because he wants to inspire people and to help them make a better life for themselves. then he asked me what i was doing and i explained how i moved to singapore to teach and have been there for 4 months. he then asked me the ultimate question....why? i sort of know why i went there...i wanted to experience something new...to be independent and to just find out what it's like to work in a foreign country and not have to rely on anyone else but myself. those are the reasons that should've driven to singapore in the first place but it's not. i think stupidity drove me to moving to singapore.
anyway...he was telling me how we should all figure out what it is we want to do in life and not just settle for something mediocre. then i thought for awhile...i always wanted to be a psychologist or a journalist...or maybe even a photographer. but there was always one thing that i lacked...the patience...determination and discipline to study and get through the 4 years of torture before i obtain a degree and without a degree...i probably won't be able to pursue any of those above mentioned line of work. so i did the next best thing...or should i say the logical thing...i did what i am capable of doing...i decided to teach music. it's something that i can do...it's not exactly something that i pictured myself doing and it's not something that i strived all my life to become. my mother did though...she was hoping to have a little britney...one who can hardly dance and sing or even look remotely good on stage or anywhere else for that matter. but that's beside the point. not only did i lack all the qualities that would get me through college and university...i also lacked the funds. but does it make me any less happy? i don't know...and i will never know until i decide to go back to college and study and hopefully become a psychologist or journalist. do i like my job? yes i do...but it doesn't mean that it's what i wanted to be. i'm just settling for what is logical and what i'm capable of doing. do i still want to be anything other than a teacher? given the opportunity i probably would jump at the chance to go back to college and study something that i'm really interested in. but in the meantime...i'll stick to what i can do. so to answer his question of what do i want to be and what do i want in life? i just want to be happy.
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feefs, 4:32 PM
Thursday, August 19, 2004
i believe this is....heaven
i had an unexpected trip back to kl a few days ago. it was fun...saw some people get drunk...met a few new people...played some mahjong...typical kl activities. ooh...not to mention...i went shopping and bought a couple of items. didn't know that the mega carnival sale was on until i entered british india and got a shock from the 70% off tags. british india never has 70% off...let alone for the items that are less than 6 months old. their 70% off tags usually include clothes from yesteryear and reject items that nobody in their right mind would buy. so i'm actually very proud of the black top that i bought which i've always wanted but couldn't afford and since it's more than half off it only cost me 35 bucks :) i didn't get to walk around the rest of the store cause my movie was starting in 10 mins and i didn't want to torture ben any longer with my incessant shopping. thank you so much ben for a wonderful day...i had fun...and i missed those good ol days.so i went to the city today for my final day of training and i was supposed to do a presentation but being the lazy person i am...i just pretended that i didn't know about the presentation and i was not informed about today's session until the last minute and i was naturally exempted from having to go up there and make a fool out of myself. i was so elated that i decided to celebrate by going to raffles city to just walk around and look for a pair of shoes for work but i ended up in m)phosis and bought a top that i probably won't wear more than twice a year. it was cheap though...and i am thinking of going back there soon to check out the rest of the stuff cause they had some nice skirts and tops for work.
it has been a week of shopping. it's amazing how much i buy with so little money. i don't think i earn that much...not nearly enough to support my shopping habits and my extravagant lifestyle. i guess what i spend on clothes and accessories is made up by the little i spend on food. everything balances out and it's all good :) the funny thing is...i never thought of myself as a shopper. i was always the kind of person who just stumbles upon things and buys them impromptu...i don't plan to go shopping...and i still don't. and i usually don't try stuff unless it's really necessary so my trips into the stores are really quick. i just see something...scan the item...picture it on myself...and buy. unless it's something that costs hundreds of dollars then i'd be pretty particular about how well it fit and how appropriate i look in it. so basically...i'm an rash shopper. i end up with a lot of things that i don't utilise. oh well...shopping is still always an upper :) now if i could only get that top from key ng....and those hush puppies shoes....
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feefs, 8:19 AM
Sunday, August 15, 2004
school sweat smell
andrew made my day today...all because he said those three words. no...it wasn't 'i love you'...it was school sweat smell. it took me awhile to realize what he meant. i never really noticed that there was a difference between the sweat that we generate outside of school and the sweat that we generate in the school premises. and on top of that...according to andrew that is....chinese school sweat is the worst. so not only do i learn that school sweat has a distinct smell...i also learn that there is a difference between chinese school sweat and any other school. i wonder whether there's a difference between public school and private school and even international school sweat. ok so anyway...i have no idea why the topic of sweat came up but it led to a much more interesting topic but that's beside the point. then again...this post doesn't have much of a point. i just never noticed that sweat can have different smells.anyway...i'm back in KL by popular demand. already had my first mahjong session of the week. tomorrow it's off to a friends' farewell party. note to self: need to visit mph to buy some books.
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feefs, 2:11 PM
Saturday, August 14, 2004
in the name of love
i know i've done a lot of stupid things in the name of love. some things that cannot be erased or taken back. and the crappy thing about all those things i've done is that i have to bear the consequences of my actions and live with it for the rest of my life. i know we all make mistakes and some people would say it's the journey of life but shouldn't a journey have signs and warnings? kinda like a road trip....there are arrows pointing you to all the different directions stating where it would lead you and telling you how much further you have before arriving at your destination. life's journeys are a bit more vague. they just point you to a couple of directions without telling you where you're going to end up. it's all about taking risks....trying out different things to see which one fits. along the way...we make mistakes...we get our hearts broken...we break a few hearts as well...we lose sight of what's important to us...we lose friends...we make new ones.i wish we didn't have to lose the people close to us. making friends....close ones...isn't an easy thing to do. it's not everyday that we find someone that we can connect with...some we trust...someone that just clicks. then we screw it all up by taking the friendship to the next level....knowing that it might destroy any chance of a future friendship in a split second. but we still insist on going ahead with it because it 'might' work. we'll never know until we try right so we dive into something that's uncertain. things are fine for awhile....we forget that there was a friendship in the first place....we enjoy the moment...we're happy. but it's not the same...there's no freedom...no distance. we get stuck...we suffocate each other...we stop treating each other as friends and start treating each other as husband and wife. jealousy...paranoia...insecurity...deceit...all the things that never existed in a friendship now exists cause we decided to ditch the friendship and move it up a notch.
eventually things start to fall to pieces and that's when you realize that the move was a disaster and that there is no way that you can maintain any semblence of the previous friendship when things go bust. now that you know so much about the other person there is no way you can be friends and not have a million thoughts running in the back of your head. either way...it has to end. the fantasy of spending the rest of your life with your best friend has to come to an end and the reality of participating in the downfall of what was once a great friendship sets in. things start to get weird....we try to go back to the way things used to be but who are we kidding. eventually we go our seperate ways....barely keeping in touch. we bump into each other...exchange pleasantries....talk about how we should get together soon to catch up knowing that it's all just talk. it's all become so routine...things become so much more polite it's almost irritating.
so we lose a best friend. is it worth it? some people might think it is cause if we never did try we would never know whether it could've worked out. we can always find another best friend. well...we all have different opinions. some people look at it as a lesson...some people look at it as a mistake. i personally have no idea how to look at it....maybe in time i'll figure it all out.
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feefs, 9:23 AM
Thursday, August 05, 2004
great expectations
someone once told me that i had great expectations. i wondered what he meant. was it that i had great expectations for myself or that i had great expectations for others? so i pondered for awhile and eventually abandoned trying to figure out what he meant by it. today...my colleague told me that i should lower my expectations for my students. the word expectations triggered something in me. so i spent the rest of the day wondering what these people mean by my expectations.i don't think i have very high expectations for myself. i don't foresee myself becoming rich in the future and even if i did it probably wouldn't even be my own money. i wouldn't have chose teaching as a career if i wanted to make big bucks. i don't expect anything out of myself except to be who i want to be regardless of what others might think and to do the best i can in whatever i do. i'm a live by the day kind of person so i don't really expect anything from myself...i just do what the day expects of me. i don't run around trying to fulfill all the things that a 23 year old should have at that age. but i do believe that i have done more than is expected of me...and i've gone further than most 23 year olds have. but that's only cause i started young...not because i have the drive to beat everyone to the punch line.
then i started thinking about my expectations for others. in terms of work i do expect my students to be hardworking...attentive...well behaved and passionate. but i also do know that some students might not have all those traits so i give and take. i learn how to adapt to the behaviour of each individual student and i also accept their shortcomings if there is any. i try to encourage and support and i'm usually less of a teacher/role model and more of a friend. but since my colleague brought it up i think there must be room for improvement. sometimes my patience just wears a little thin and i have my moments.
i've also been told that i turn a cold shoulder to people who don't fit the bill. i'd like to think that i'm the kind of person who can just make friends with anybody but i'd be in denial if i do. i have to admit that it takes a certain kind of person to be able to click with me. but then i realize that people just want to talk....not to be best friends or to confide. but in the end...when it comes to keeping friends and making close ones...i definitely do have to draw the line somewhere. i value my friends very highly and i'm careful in selecting my close friends. reason being that close friends are supposed to be people that you can trust...people that you can connect with....people that you can rely on and vice versa. so in the end...do i choose my friends? i believe i do. do i hold them with high expectations...maybe...but i'm only expectating in return what i extend to them.
one thing that i always expect from relationships/friendships is that we always be appreciative. this is where i start to contradict myself. i always thought that we should never expect anything from our friends let alone a boyfriend/girlfriend. that way...when we receive we will appreciate. what ruins a relationship is expectations really. sometimes people let us down...i know i've disappointed many people in the past and many people have disappointed me as well. but when i put myself in their shoes...i realize that they did what they did because they felt it was right just as how i do certain things that piss people off because i feel it's right.
i once had a friend who was always there for me. who would always come running to my aid if i ever needed any. we were best friends....or at least he was my best friend. so in time...i started getting used to the fact that he'd be there if ever i need help or a listening ear. i took all that for granted and eventually i just expected him to fulfill all that without questioning. one day he disappeared. i was on my own again....left to tend to my wounds alone...left to battle my problems alone...left to dissect my own thoughts alone. and i realized that i took all that for granted...all the time and effort that he spent licking my wounds and filling up empty space. i got so used to it that i always thought things would be like that. i think that ruined the friendship somewhat. when i started expecting things it put pressure on the friendship.
so here's what i learned. it's not right for me to brush people off and minus coolness points because someone disappointed me. the right thing for me to do is to put myself in their shoes and try and figure out why. it's also not right for me to hold such expectations because in the end...nobody owes me anything. similarly...i don't owe them anything. i only owe it to myself to be a good friend to them and hopefully...they'll extend the same.
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feefs, 10:45 AM
Wednesday, August 04, 2004
to end all wars
i just finished watching the above titled movie. it must be one of the most inspiring movies i've seen in a long time. i can't remember the last time i was so moved. i think it was when i was watching band of brothers. anyway...it's another one of those war movies starring keifer sutherland and robert carlyle but it wasn't one about fighting...it was one about the prisoners of war and the suffering and torture that they had to go through. i wish i could go into it further but then i'd spoil it for those of you who want to watch it. but then again...'to end all wars' is an old movie and i doubt many people have heard of it so i'm guessing not many of you would be running out to get a copy.Read more!
feefs, 8:40 AM
Monday, August 02, 2004
hi...my name is ****** and i am a freeloader
yesterday's show was really good. i was surprised to see that the arts scene in singapore was so....liberal. there was live lip action between guys and they also had the word 'fuck' in almost every sentence. here's the thing...i wasn't sitting at a very good angle but it seemed to me as if the lip action was real. i could be wrong. ooh...two of the guys on stage were really hot. if the whole kissing thing is real then it totally blows the fantasy away. anyway...i'm still contemplating whether to go for their next show as well as the 14 man ballet. it's going to blow a hole in my pocket.i went out for dinner with a friend today and as usual we stopped by HMV on the way back. discovered some new voices so i made a list of names in my head and the first thing i did when i came back was to search for them and download what i can find. sometimes i feel guilty about the whole thing but then i think to myself...i have no money to buy the original...so heck it...nobody can deprive me of music. hehehe :)
i've got to catch up on my movies sometime soon. i have a bunch of dvds lying around that i haven't watched yet. lately i've been watching tv shows. i tried an episode of 'the o.c'...'one tree hill'...'everwood' and 'the sopranos'. so far i think everwood and the sopranos have potential so i'm going to start downloading them. one tree hill and the o.c is just too dawsons creek/beverly hills 90210 for me. in the meantime...i'm going to go finish watching the second half of larry clark's 'bully'. toodles!
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feefs, 10:08 AM
Sunday, August 01, 2004
90 minutes
90 minutes after my week of work and i'm already contemplating whether i should go home. i'm really fighting the urge to take the 10pm bus back to KL. anyway...i still have that 'mardi gras' show to go to in about half an hour. i'll just wing it...that's what i've been doing all this while. if i happen to feel like getting off the bus at beach road and boarding that bus back to KL at 10pm then i'll just go with it. in the meantime i shall try not to think about home and just enjoy the show :)Read more!
feefs, 3:35 AM
