Thought Of The Day: that's the funny thing about romance. if you had to ask for it, it takes away all the romance.

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Friday, January 30, 2004

the cat's out of the bag

it's been a long and tiring day and it's not because my day started early or that i had anything important to do. i was aroused from slumber at about 4pm...got my ass to work at 6...but as usual i was late....finished at 9.30....went over to a friends house for some minor gambling action and then i adjourned to bar savanh for a mingling session. met up with a few friends...most of which i don't see on a daily basis. anyway...it was nice to see them...catch up...talk nonsense. but then i felt erm...out of place. i don't fancy crowded places and loud music. i can tolerate it but it's not exactly my kinda scene. my kinda scene would involve a mahjong table or a deck of cards with lotsa cash rotating from one hand to another. but i have to admit that i'm starting to remember what it's like to do the social thing. i remember being able to derive my happiness from the people around me. everyone at bar savanh was laughing and talking and just being in the midst of all that made me reminisce and for a moment i actually felt happy. but eventually i started to miss my everyday friends...and i adjourned back to my friends place for a few rounds of gin.

my mind has been a bit preoccupied lately. partly because there's been way too much gambling but also because i've been offered a job in singapore. the job offer actually came awhile ago...i think it was in august last year. at that time i didn't even have to consider it cause things were going so well here. i was happy with my work...my family....my friends...everything was in the right place. but over the past few months i've realized that i'm not moving anywhere. i'm stuck in this place where i'm happy even though i know there are some things out there that would be in my best interest. working in singapore is definitely in my best interest...better pay...good opportunity and it would definitely be an experience. in the beginning i didn't really see it as an option because i couldn't picture myself being away from home. but now i think it's time for me to move....literally. i've been thinking about it for a very long time and today i finally realized that it's something worth exploring. instead of shoving the offer aside i should really look into it and see whether it's do-able and if it is i should go with my head and not my heart. my heart will always be here...given a choice i would never want to leave home. but my head tells me that the opportunity is too great to pass. it would help me financially...and the working experience abroad (if we can even call it that) would be good.

i didn't exactly tell anybody about it until today. but even then...i don't want to jump the gun. there are a whole lot of things that could still go wrong. i guess i'll just look into the idea...and then i'll weigh the pros and cons from there. right now everything is so vague. they've only given me a rough estimate on salary and they've explained the working conditions but i'm pretty sure there's a lot more to know since i'm actually considered a foreigner.

on a different note...someone asked me again why i refuse to find myself a boyfriend. my response...have u seen me lately? i look like something the cat dragged into the house early in the morning on a rainy day. the question is...who would want to be with someone like me? i'm bitchy...cynical...unsympathetic...shallow...rude...crude...judgemental.... and so much more. i know it's possible to change but i like myself the way i am i guess and i like things the way they are. free and easy. i sound like a travel package. "6 days 5 nights free and easy in gold coast australia" i like things to be simple and most of the relationships i've been in have not been simple. and i don't think it's just me cause most of the relationships i've heard of or seen are not simple either. i always thought that 'love' requires no effort...but boy was i wrong. then again...i could be wrong about being wrong...maybe i just haven't fallen in love yet. oh well...like i've always said....if it happens...it happens....if not...what's the worst that could happen?

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Wednesday, January 28, 2004

my mother the chameleon

my dads back. got a call from him earlier today. apparently he arrived earlier in the afternoon and will be staying for a couple of days. he doesn't actually have any business or things that he has to do back here...i think he's just bored. for those of you who haven't heard....here's a summary.

- my parents are seperated and have been for about a year
- my father has a girlfriend/mistress/wife/whatchamacallit of 13 years (you do the math)
- my father now lives in penang with his girlfriend/mistress/wife and has 4 children (yes...technically i have 5 brothers and 1 sister)
- my parents are on talking terms but i know that they're just pretending to get along

anyway....i'm amazed at how i took everything so well. it was definitely hard at the beginning when my mom just found out that my dad was having an affair for 11 years. sometimes i wonder how my dad did it. either he was very good at hiding it or my mother was too blind to notice it. anyway....u must be wondering why my mother is a chameleon.

it's amazing how she can change from being nonchalant about everything to a desperate...needy and pathetic soul. at any mention of my dads name or even the word 'dad' my mother immediately becomes the interrogator from hell. she questions everything. whenever my dad is back she keeps tabs on me and my brother. always asking where we're going and who we're going out with. she doesn't normally do that on a daily basis. she keeps telling me that she's finally over my dad. she keeps saying how she finally understands that everything is for the best. she can change from being a person i admire to a person that i despise. i used to admire her...that she could actually get over a 27 year marriage in 2 years. i used to think that she was strong and that if she could do it under those extreme circumstances...then anything is possible. but now after seeing how she shrivels up and submits herself to my fathers beck and call...i'm starting to notice her true colours. she wants us to believe that she's over him...she wants to believe it herself....but she isn't.

i don't blame her though. 27 years is a long time...longer than i'll ever know at this moment. the longest relationship i've ever had only lasted 2 years. in my honest opinion...i don't think she'll ever get over him. but that's just my opinion...people can change. i hope she realizes that there's no use pining away over some man whore. i love my dad...very much...and i do acknowledge that the fall of my family is entirely his fault. there is no way a husband can justify cheating on his wife for 11 years and having children with his mistress. there is no excuse...there should be no pardon either. i blame him for all the agony and despair that my mother and the rest of us had and still have to go through. but i can only hate him for so long. eventually...when the sun sets...he's still my dad. he still supported me when i needed a leg up...he was still there to bail me out whenever i was in trouble...and he was there to kick my teachers asses everytime they called him up to tell him that i've been skipping school and carrying ciggarettes around in my pocket.

my mom once asked me to make a choice. to pick either one of them. she used to think that i was my daddy's girl and that i'd choose him over her. but truth is...i wouldn't pick neither of them. i'd rather live alone than to live with the idea that i chose one over the other. fortunately for me...i didn't have to make such a choice. i'm happy with the way things are now...they could be better but i think that would just be asking for a pie in the sky.

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confessions of a gambler

i should change the title of my blog to the above title. my friends and i have taken gambling to a higher level it's not fun anymore. it's become more of a competitive sport. there are contraversies (is that how you spell it?) and there are disagreements...there are debts...some of them good...some bad. and i must admit that i too have submitted myself into it. i have become this edgy and impatient person that i never thought i'd turn into. i always believed that it's never a good thing to mix money and friends. well....over the past few weeks it seems as if that's the only 2 things that i've been mixing. i always thought i was an educated gambler...but then again...is there such a thing? i used to think i was a moderated gambler as well but over the past few weeks i've changed my mind. oh well...hopefully this whole thing blows over after chinese new year...give or take 10 days.

a friend of mine asked me yesterday..."when are you going to find yourself a boyfriend?". have i been single THAT long? is it becoming that noticeable? i was hoping that my single-ness would go unnoticed for another year or so. truth is...i'm not interested in finding myself a boyfriend. i don't even think it's possible. it's not like finding a pair of shoes...although i wish it were that easy. i do admit that i am shallow...and i am fussy....which is probably why i'm still single. i like my life the way it is right now.....free and easy. i like being able to do things at my own pace...to be able to do the things i enjoy doing without having anyone to tell me to do otherwise....i like being able to spend time by myself or with my friends and family. i have yet to reach a point where i feel lonely although some people seem to think that it's inevitable. according to some people...having someone around makes things so much easier. you don't have to worry about who to have lunch/dinner with...you don't have to worry about going to the movies and buying a ticket for 1...you don't have to worry about who's going to take you to singapore or fetch you from work. i have to agree with that. there are just some things that you can't do with your friends or family. how do i solve that? i have no idea. so far i've been doing good. i always have friends surrounding me...i still manage to find time to do the things that i like to do on my own. i don't usually have to worry about who to go to dinner with cause someone will eventually call and if not...i could always order in and have dinner in front of the tv. i don't mind the loneliness...sometimes i cherish it.

i don't fancy the idea of going out and finding myself a boyfriend. i believe that it will eventually just happen naturally without effort. and if it doesn't...what's the worst that could happen? i like my freedom at the moment. besides...as most of my friends would say...it's not going to be easy to find someone that will be able to make me truly happy...and it wouldn't be easy for me to make someone truly happy either. oh well...i guess i'm just not the "together" kind.

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Saturday, January 24, 2004

i am a compulsive gambler

it's been a very typical chinese new year so far. open houses...lion dances...free food...and lotsa of gambling. i had the longest gambling run at a friends place on the 2nd day of chinese new year which lasted 12 hours straight. i didn't even break for dinner. imagine me playing mahjong with a box of domino's regular beef pepperoni with cheese on my lap wrestling with a pizza with one hand and trying to play mahjong with the other. it's not funny. multi-tasking has never been one of my strong points. things eventually became quite messy and i had to choose between eating or gambling. had two slices out of the six of pizza (i was hoping to get through four) and then i decided that gambling is priority. hi...my name is *insert name here* and i am a compulsive gambler. i need rehab...but not until chinese new year is over.

things that i should do:
- eat more
- stop gambling
- stop smoking
- work more
- earn more money
- save more money
- sleep early
- sleep more
- be more disciplined
- be more punctual
- set proper priorities
- be nicer to people

those are all things that i 'should' do but am not doing. it's like how my mom tells me that drinking birds nest is good for my health but i still refuse to do so cause i just can't stand the taste. we generally don't like to do things that are difficult or things that require change. i'm so used to this lifestyle...i don't want to change...i am reluctant to change. why? because it takes effort. would i be a better person if i did change? i'm sure i would...i'd be a nicer non-smoker and non-gambler. but i can't be bothered to change yet...until someone (other than my immediate family) tells me 'or else'.

a friend of mine recently ended a 4 year relationship. funny how these things come at such unexpected times. to be honest...i didn't see it coming which just about goes to show how good of a friend i am. after being together for 4 years i'd expect something more. something along the lines of wedding bells and infant shoes. anyway...a 4 year relationship makes my 2 year relationship look like peanuts. then i start to wonder what it must feel like for them. i had so much trouble getting through a 2 year relationship...i can't imagine what it would be like to recover from a 4 year one...or a 6 year one. are emotions accumulative? do we develop more emotions...more attached...more dependent over the years? i'm sure we do...but does that make the recovery period more excruciatingly painful?

someone once told me that it takes half the time you went out with someone to get over them. i personally believe that every relationship is different as every individual is different. the level and magnitude of emotions cannot be measured over time. i can be with someone for 2 years and not love him as much as i love someone i had an occasional fling with. it also depends on how much of an impact that person has made. so i guess it doesn't really matter how long you went out with someone...it's really a matter of how meaningful and how deep the relationship really was.

oh well....on a brighter note...it's time to gamble.

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Monday, January 19, 2004

????

i was enveloped in an overwhelming sense of boredom and i did the unbelieveable.....i took another one of those silly quizzes.


Fight Club!


What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
brought to you by Quizilla

i personally believe that if i belong in the movie it would be 'waking life'. but who am i to second guess 'quizilla.com'?


schizoid


Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla

no wonder i belong in fight club!!!! i think the tests in quizilla are meant to relate to each other. i am a schizoid...therefore i belong in fight club. i can't be a schizoid in the 'lion king'.

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nostalgia

my brother is back for the new years. that would probably explain my absence over the past few days. it's been nice having him around and although the whole family (including my man whore dad) spent most of the weekend together i found myself feeling out of place one too many times. i'm the youngest in the family (unless you take into account the many children that my dad has out of marriage) but i feel like i'm the big sister. whenever my brother needs something or wants to go somewhere he would come to me for help. if he needs to buy something i'll probably know someone who can get it for him or if he needs to go somewhere he'll probably come to me for directions. same goes for my parents and my elder brother as well.

i had a conversation with my brothers and we've come to the conclusion that if any of us were adopted it would have to have been me. i don't look anything like my parents or brothers and i don't act anything like them. we do have some similarities but it's sort of here and there. my mom and my brother loves word games and so do i. my dad has a gambling disorder and so do i. my elder brother is cynical and so am i. but then again...if i were to be given the privilege to go back in time and choose my parents all over again (as if we had a choice in the first place) i'd probably stick to the ones i have now. they've always been supportive and they've always allowed me to do the things i've wanted to do. i wouldn't want to have parents who insist that i become a doctor even though i squirm at the very sight of blood or a lawyer even though i'm mute. and i guess they've always been less bothersome than some parents that i've seen. sometimes i wonder whether they even know i'm still alive but i guess in some ways i do appreciate the freedom that they've given me. they've allowed me to choose my own path in life and learn from the mistakes i've made.

but then again...i probably didn't turn out as they expected. i'm pretty sure i'm capable of so much more but heck i'm lazy. i'm not performing at my full potential and i don't know if i ever will. maybe it's because i'm scared to find out what it would be like. i don't want to stress myself out and try so hard to be the best i can be and suddenly realize that it's not what i expected it to be. recently....my parents have been hinting to me that i'm a slacker though. i don't work enough hours...i could be earning more money....blah blah. but heck it...i've been independent for a long time and i haven't exactly been taking money from them in 3 years. i'm also the youngest in the family but i'm the first one to start work and live off my own income. i believe i deserve some slack.

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Wednesday, January 14, 2004

in moderation please!!!!!!

met my dad today...yes the infamous man whore is back from penang for a couple of days. he passed me a few packs of ciggies that he got from a friend. this grand gesture of his only showed how much he's encouraging me to smoke. when i asked him whether his intention was to encourage me to smoke he said "you don't smoke as much as i do so i guess you've got it under control." and then i wonder...i smoke less compared to my dad. but if you put me next to my friends..i look like a chimney.

it's all about moderation isn't it? we should gamble in moderation...smoke in moderation...drink in moderation...shop in moderation. notice how all of the above mentioned are vices. we don't hear things like study in moderation...work in moderation...do good deeds in moderation....blah blah. isn't too much of a good thing never good? too much gambling isn't good (actually gambling is illegal altogether but i'm chinese and it's in my blood)...too much smoking and drinking is no good. i'd like to believe that too much studying and working is no good either. but then again it's only logical to control our bad habits as to not bring it to an extreme level.

wouldn't it be even better if we could stop it completely? i've told myself a million times that i should stop smoking. my longest running smoke free session lasted 24 hours. i know i'm weak...i know i'm hooked. i'm just in denial. i just keep telling myself that my desire to quit is not as strong as my desire for a ciggarette. doesn't that just mean that i'm hooked? habits are developed over the years. we acquire these habits through frequent repetition. i've got a habit of biting my fingernails. i've also developed a smoking habit and bad sleeping habits. but these can be altered over time. if i just revert back to normal behaviour and sleep regularly...i suppose through frequent repetition i'd get back on track and be on my way to normal sleeping habits.

but here's my question...who sets the bar? who sets the standards to what's normal...to what's moderate? shouldn't we be the governor of our lives? we should know ourselves better than anyone else does. we should know how much alcohol we can consume or how much work stress we can handle. i know i know...smoking and drinking is just plain bad regardless of whos' body we're in. but i've been getting a whole lot of "don't drink so much" or "don't smoke so much" lines coming at me and the thing is...i don't think i drink or smoke too much. i believe i practice these things in moderation. but that's only as compared to the people that i mix around with. but to the people who say those things to me...i'm like the epitome of all things bad and extreme.

oh well...in the end...my dad says that all habits can be kicked...even the good ones. and here are two habits that i really need to kick....1. biting my fingernails.....2. tardiness. it's not a new years resolution...it's just a thought and i highly doubt that i'll go on a quest to relinquish myself from those habits anytime soon.

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Monday, January 12, 2004

You are going to Marry orlando Bloom. He will
always treat you right and is very romantic. He
will do anything for you. He is very polite and
has deep brown eyes and is very good looking
(which is another plus!). He can make anythind
cheesy look really good (like sliding down
stairs on a shield shooting arrows or wearing
pointy ears for example). Congrats!!


Which male celebrity are you going to marry? (10 results that have pics!)
brought to you by Quizilla

omg...i can't believe i took such a silly test. i was waiting for my download to finish and stumbled upon this quiz and decided to take it just to pass time and honestly the results weren't very comforting. i would've rather had someone like erm...josh hartnett or something. oh well...here's the results of another quiz i took. i figured since i already took 'one' test i'll be lame and go all the way and take another.


Gay Bear


Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

i knew i shouldn't have taken that quiz. i'm 'gay' bear? gay could be interpreted in a whole lot of ways. i feel insulted.

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inspired by sow

i was talking to a friend just now and we were discussing what i look for in a man. i came up with this list:-


name: preferably christian but no augustine...sebastian...bernard...etc. (call me for a detailed list)
age: between 23-28
address: anywhere within the 10km radius
race: anything that compliments your looks
religion: anything as long as you are non-religious
job: preferably a respectable one (contact me for a detailed list)
language: excellent command in english both verbal and written
interests: music...movies...sports...arts (both performing and fine)...literature...travel
height: ideally 6 feet tall
weight: ideally 80kgs
iq: >125
others: girth and length would be taken into account when considering (please attend an interview to determine whether you fit the requirements)

applicants must be honest, intelligent (which explains the iq requirement), caring, in touch with his emotions, civilised, polite, creative, determined, adventurous, outgoing, organised, reasonable, witty, possess a sense of humour, independent, fashionable....etc (contact me for a complete list)

in addition to being all of the above...applicants must also possess a valid driving license and own a car and must be computer literate. applicants does not have to have a knack for gambling but must be able to tolerate a gambler. must possess a valid passport and therefore must be willing to travel. applicants should also be sociable and be able to create and maintain strong relationships with my friends.

interested candidates should apply online with a detailed resume and a recent passport size picture. lastly, applicants should write an essay on what their expectations are in terms of relationships and love in not less than 200 words. send your completed essay along with the necessary documents to feefs_81@yahoo.com for consideration. this vacancy does not have an expiry date as of yet.

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reality bites

i've always wondered what happens after a movie. does meg ryan and tom hanks live 'happily ever after' after the whole empire state building escapade? has the media disillusioned us into thinking that it's possible? that we can fall madly in love and live a fairy tale ending. when people go through tough times the common response would be 'don't worry...things will pick up'. when it's got something to do with relationships and love then there would be the 'you'll find someone else...there are many fishes in the sea...trees in the jungle...ants in the colony' type responses. is there really light at the end of the tunnel or are we just programmed to believe that there is hope?

hope is what keeps us alive. hope that we'll earn that million dollars by the time we're 30. that we'll own that mansion in the hills and drive that car we've always dreamed of. that we'll fall madly in love and live happily ever after. we search for things to fulfill our needs...our wants...both emotional and physical in hopes that we'll eventually be happy. but when is it ever enough? we humans are greedy by nature. if we do eventually earn a million dollars by the time we're 30 we're probably going to say that it's not enough. we always want more than we need. and when we get it...someone else always has more. that got me to thinking....i the grass always greener on the other side?

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confessions of an insomniac

after not sleeping for 4 days i ended up sleeping for a grand total of 12 hours. this completely screws things up again cause i probably won't be able to sleep tonight and i'll end up not sleeping again for at least 2 days. i find myself wanting to sleep very often but when i go to bed i end up tossing and turning for hours and i eventually get up and do something else in hopes that it'll make me sleepy but most of the time that doesn't work either. i've tried almost everything...counting sheep...reading...crossword puzzles...blah blah. someone told me to go to the doctors and get some pills to induce sleepiness but somehow i don't think doctors will give it out so freely unless they have some sort of proof i.e. psychiatric proof/prescriptions that i have trouble sleeping. i think if i went to my doctor and told him i had sleeping problems he'd just tell me the same thing he did the last time. drink more water...do not drink coke/coffee/tea/alcohol 3 hours before i intend to sleep...do not read/do crossword puzzles/work on my bed...do not smoke 2 hours before i intend to sleep.

anyway...i'm so looking forward to this week. my brother and a friend from melbourne would be coming back for a visit. and it will also be the week before chinese new year meaning i have to get my ass up and clean the house. can't afford to miss work as well because i'll be having a week of holidays and i usually don't like to miss classes before the holidays. i have a feeling that this chinese new year will be kinda slow. less gambling and more outings. but i'm still looking forward to it. any holiday is worth looking forward to. any holiday that includes gambling and money is even better.

oh well...time to drag myself out of my room...i've been in here for more than 16 hours (12 of which i spent sleeping) and it's time to get a breath of fresh air. the second hand smoke (i wonder if i can still call it that if i'm a smoker) is killing me and the air is getting a bit stale. first of all i should be taking a shower but i feel like raiding the refrigerator first. i have this uncanny feeling that the refrigerator is empty though. my house (other than my bedroom) is just the epitome of boring. there's nothing to do besides watch tv and even then i don't do that very often. there's nothing to eat...nowhere to go cause this house is just too darn small. other than my bedroom my house is just...well....boring. i need to start doing something with it. make it into some sort of entertainment centre. bring in some games that i can play solo...stock up on my vcd/dvd collection cause damn i think i've just about watched everything there is to watch...buy a few books and sprawl them all over the table downstairs so i won't be tempted to bring it to up to my room and read on my bed....now if only i can get rid of my mother and my brother.

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Saturday, January 10, 2004

hi...how are you?

i used to enjoy socializing during my younger days. i'm not that old...not even near being old but i'm starting to feel it. i used to enjoy going out and meeting new people and getting more acquainted with my old friends. i didn't mind going to crowded places or having to carry out a conversation in a loud place by shouting over the table. nowadays i find myself dreading the unknown. going to crowded places where i hardly know anyone. meeting new people becomes such a chore. there are these fake conversations that go something along the lines of this:-

stranger: hello...my name is 'insert name here'.
me: hi...i'm 'insert my name here'
stranger: so how are you?
me: i'm fine.

now that's the conversation killer. two words that can just kill any idea of a decent conversation. but how are we supposed to react? are we supposed to say 'hey i'm great' and not mean it cause honestly my life isn't near great. i can't open a conversation with a stranger with things like 'omfg...u cannot believe the hell i'm going through. i just broke up with my boyfriend and my family is in a rut cause my dad is having 5 affairs simultaneously and don't even get me started with my friends. i don't understand why it's happening to me but i keep telling myself that it's for a reason. GOD HAS A PLAN FOR ME!!!' first of all it's not a good first impression. nobody needs to know about your love life...family...your christian loving self and your neuroses all on their first encounter. so what do we do? we say i'm fine anyway in hopes that the other party will try and salvage whatever chance we have at a decent conversation. here's how the rest of the conversation goes:-

stranger: so what do you do? i mean are you working? studying?
me: working
stranger: wow...you look too young to be working. what do you do?
me: i teach music
stranger: omg...i've always wanted to learn (I REALLY HATE THIS REPLY...and i mean I REALLY REALLY HATE IT)
me: oh is it? why didn't you?
stranger: oh...no time. i used to learn when i was really young but my teacher kept smacking my hands so i lost interest. but now i want to learn it again. (WE DO NOT SMACK PEOPLE'S HANDS!!!)
me: oh how sad...anyway...it's never too late to start

when we meet someone new it's only natural to find out what that person does other than introduce themselves to strangers. so it's common to ask about jobs cause family...friends and relationships are too intimate for a first conversation. and by finding out what he/she does it also gives us a mental idea of whether the person is sane or not. jobs are the safest thing to talk about because you don't reveal too much about yourself but yet you're giving the other person an idea of your interests and ambitions.

but even then...i'm not interested in small talk. but nobody generally continues the 'hi...how are you?' with things like 'have you watched anna in kung-fu land?' or 'did you hear what happened in the middle east?' so we still insist on beating round the bush with trvial stuff such as work or mutual friends and the whole 'small world' talk. here's an example of 'small world' talk:-

stranger: where are you from?
me: i'm from DJ
stranger: oh...do you know 'insert name here'?
me: yes i do. 'insert name here' was in my school.
stranger: omg...'insert name here' is a close friend of mine. what a small world.

i have yet to figure out what's the best answer for the 'hi..how are you?' question. i might not be fine...i might as well be at the bottom of a well at that moment in time but i'm not going to say it out loud. so i put on this facade. i pretend to be nonchalant about everything and anything and try to blend in with the masses. after all...when you're down and out...it's not such a good idea to bring the whole world down with you. maybe it's just me. maybe i'm not handling the situation properly. but i'm tired of small talk. i'm tired of having to introduce myself everytime i meet someone new. i wish i could just skip all that and talk about the NOW.

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Thursday, January 08, 2004

stuck in the moment...and i can't get out of it

you've got to get yourself together you are stuck in the moment...and you can't get out of it....

i wonder whether the members of U2 had the same problem as me. recently i've found myself stuck in a funk. i've imbedded myself into this comfort zone for a very long time and i can't seem to find a way out. actually...to be honest...i don't think i want to find a way out.

let's take a look at my life 4 years back....
- dropped out of numerous colleges
- unemployed and broke
- did not own my own car and had to share with family
- dated the biggest prick on earth
- did not have a good relationship with my parents and family
- had no direction...no real thoughts of my own

now let's take a look at my life 2 years back....
- found a job teaching kids
- purchased my own car
- patched things up with my parents and started fulfilling my filial responsibilities
- started paying my own bills
- met the love of my life
- found my direction and passion in life

now let's take a look at my life now....
- still teaching kids (which i'm thinking twice about as i've mentioned but have yet found the heart to leave)
- still driving my own beat up waja (which is fine by me cause it serves its purpose)
- parents are seperated but my relationship with my mom has been much better since
- still paying my own bills but now there's more of them
- lost the love of my life
- am slowly but surely trying to tap into my hidden skills (i think i have none but i am told otherwise)
- am now a compulsive gambler
- have found my own identity (finally)
- comfortable and content with the way things are going

i don't know which part is better but 4 years ago would be what i call my dark ages. the time when i was blinded by a whole lot of things. that would explain why i went out with the biggest prick in the world (not literally the biggest prick *hint hint*). anyway...after the whole dark ages thing i found the love of my life. those were fun times and i must admit i did learn a whole lot during the course of the two years that i was with him. i'm still learning a lot from our relationship and the 'lack' of it right now. things today are slightly different. i'm still trying to adjust to being alone again (although we did break up more than a year ago) but we grew very close and shared a whole lot together so it takes a bit of time to adjust. i'm not very good with changes you see.

anyway...things now are picking up. i enjoy my job although i have this urge to quit and venture out into the unknown with nothing but my music credentials and my pathetic SPM results. my friends are always there for me and we have fun on a regular basis. seeing them smile makes me smile and their laughter is contagious. i've also realized that sometimes it's good to spend time alone just doing nothing. drowned in my own thoughts...reading books....watching the lame ass tv shows that i so love to watch just so i can criticise it the next day...doing crossword puzzles....blah. i've managed to balance between myself and my friends and my work and family. i am i guess...content. i can't say i'm happy cause i remember a time where i was happier but during that time...circumstances were different. there was a time where i could just stop and say..."wait...i'm happy". now i'm stopping and saying..."wait...i'm content".

so what is the problem? the problem is that i'm stuck in this place. afraid to leave because i'm afraid that i might not go to a better place. if i quit my job i might not be able to find another one. and even if i do find another job i might not like it as much as my current one. i might not be able to wake up at 9am. i might not earn as much as i do now. i might not be able to stay out late anymore. if i slept on a regular basis during twilight then i might not be as productive as i am in the afternoons as i am in the wee hours of the morning. if i changed my habits...the places where i hangout...the people whom i mix with...i might not be as content as i am right now. i'm stuck in this comfort zone. a place where i know i am content...i am fulfilled...i am satisfied and i just don't know whether i want to move.

you know how we all basically know what's good and what's bad for us but we still refuse to change our bad habits because we're afraid. we don't change until something knocks us in the head and says "or else". we need ultimatums to move. i wouldn't have started working if my mom didn't say "or else". i wouldn't pay my maxis bills if they didn't bar my phone everytime i exceed the credit limit. i wouldn't pump petrol if the warning sign doesn't come on. why do we insist of going on this road of irresponsibility and indifference when we have to eventually change. i used to just tell myself..."i'm only 19...what do i have to lose?" but now i'm 22 and thing still haven't changed. i'm afraid i might find myself telling myself the exact same thing when i'm 30 (that's my *scary age).

things have become so routine. i used to like the monotony of it all. i'd buy the paper from the same stall everyday. i pumped petrol at the same station whenever there is a need to. i'd yum cha at the same mamaks. eat at the same restaurants (i still do by the way). buy my shampoo and toiletries from the same pharmacy. but somewhere along the way i found myself changing. i started taking risks. taking different routes to get to my destination. buying my groceries from a different market. using a different brand of shampoo. buying the paper at the first place i see it. using a different brand of petrol. i even managed to change my whole wardrobe in the course of the past 6 months. i know these aren't exactly big changes but i'm working in baby steps.

hopefully...i'll get to a place where i can stop and say...."wait...i'm happy now". but you know what...all good things come to an end. emotions and our state of mind is transient. nothing lasts forever....or does it?

*scary age is the age where i expect myself to be satisfied and confident about what i'm doing in life and ultimately satisfied

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Wednesday, January 07, 2004

limbo & relativity

I’ve been in a really cranky mood all day. I think (not sure though) that I haven't slept in almost 72 hours. i swear on everything that's holy that I’m sleepy. My brain is on automatic pilot and my body feels like a tonne of bricks. but when i lie down on my bed...I end up tossing and turning for hours and before I know it it's already time to go to work. I was in and out of consciousness and i didn't even hear my alarm clock earlier today. The result...i missed work and had a terrible headache for about 4 hours. And because i missed work I’m cranky. Funny how unproductivity makes me cranky.

I've always wondered whether anyone can truly tell me that they understand or can relate to what i feel right now. I could be happy...sad...in love...angry...jealous...but my definition of these emotions differ from others. It’s easy for one to say that he/she understands how someone feels but how many people can truly relate? Emotions are so subjective. It’s something personal and each individual has a different opinion and a different perspective on emotions.

I can describe my emotions with words. I am angry. I am sad. I am in love. I am truly happy. But in reality, they’re just words. No one would truly know the meaning of my words unless they were in my shoes. This led me to wonder about Einstein’s theory of relativity. Einstein once said “Put your hand on a hot stove for one minute and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour and it feels like a minute.” Basically he’s trying to say that the states of our emotions are solely dependent on the significance or existence of another.

I’m not going to try and dissect Einstein’s theory of relativity. Neither am I here to discuss its roots or its scientific importance. I’m just wondering, can anyone truly relate to how we feel? We all use the same words to describe our emotions. Some of us handle our adversities better than others. Does that mean they feel less? There is no way of measuring our emotions on a scale or weighing it using a metric unit.

It is said that the females’ threshold of physical pain is 9 times that of males. Emotional pain is slightly different. There is no scientific proof that states that the threshold of emotional pain differs according to gender. No two people are similar and therefore, nobody can logically say, “I know exactly how you feel” and actually mean it. If someone broke up with me and was able to move on like nothing ever happened the next day it doesn’t mean that he didn’t care. I can try and rationalize that by saying that I felt more and gave more into the relationship than he did but that would only be unfair. I cannot say that he loved me more but on the other hand, I cannot say he loved me less. I can’t even say that we loved each other equally as much. Why? There is no way I can measure or compare his emotions with mine.

The common misconception lies in the fact that women would like to believe that men recover from relationships faster as compared to them. It’s easy to dispel them as being emotionally detached but the truth is we have no idea what goes on in their hearts and minds. Once again, men can describe their emotions with words just as we do. But the fact is, it’s just words. Nobody really knows what they mean except for the person themselves. They could be capable of controlling their thoughts and emotions but it’s unfair for us to stereotype men as being less emotional compared to us.

So the question still remains. How do we measure the depth of emotions? The answer, we can’t. We can try to dissect it, we can question it but we will never know for sure. All we can do is give others the benefit of the doubt and just believe.

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Tuesday, January 06, 2004

back to school

gosh...it's already 2004. damn i'm getting old. the new school year has started and that only means one thing for me....back to work. i hate long holidays which is one of the cons of working for a school. the school term break is longer than it should be and after such a relaxing 2 weeks it's not easy to go back to work. having a 3 or 4 day weekend is one thing but having a 2 week break from work is another. my mind is still on holiday mood and my body is still on 'sleep-at-8am' mode.

i've been thinking a lot about the new year and work. i was thinking about changing my career path with the new year and all. new year...new beginnings...blah blah. a part of me wants to leave this whole teaching thing but another part of me wants to stay for the kids. somewhere along the way i think i've grown attached to them. one student asked me today whether i'll still be around to teach them when they're grade 5 and i had no idea what to say. i have been thinking about leaving but when i'm with the kids i feel like i've got the greatest job in the world. oh well...i guess i'll stick to it for the time being until i really figure out what's my passion in life.

its' been awhile since i last posted. probably due to the fact that i've been gambling a whole lot. i've gotten a preview of the coming chinese new year and i can see a lot of $$$$ signs. money comes in...money goes out...win some...lose some. all this gambling made me wonder why we still do it even though we are aware of the risks. i believe that we should only gamble what we are ready to lose but these few days have taught me that sometimes we tend to lose sight of what we have and we end up losing what we don't have as well. all because there is the possibility that we might win.

then it got me to thinking....aren't we all in some weird and twisted way just gambling with our hearts? we search for love and when we find it...we give it everything we got. there are risks but we still insist on placing a bet in hopes that we might actually find ourselves being truly happy. people go in and out of relationships with broken hearts and lessons learned and after losing the game so many times they still insist on going back for more. is it really worth it?

someone once told me that lost love is never lost. everything that we've shared when we were together is special. each experience and every emotion that we once felt was shaped by our love for one another and that is never lost. it remains in our memories and no mortal soul can take that away from us. initially...i thought it was cheesy. i thought that memories and experiences only made things worse because it haunts you. one minute we can think that we're happy and the next minute we pinpoint a time in our lives where we were happier. but i figured there's no way of erasing memories. we can only embrace them. we can only accept them and say 'hey...at least it was worth it'.

so is it really worth it...to gamble with our hearts? i don't know. at times i feel it might be but there are other times where i just ask myself why people bother when they're eventually going to get hurt. and just like a game of blackjack...the answer is the same. there is a possibility that we might actually....oh no...god forbid........................win.

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